When insults had class

Anything goes, but keep it seemly...

When insults had class

Postby Hud » Tue Oct 10, 2006 9:10 pm

When insults had class....
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder


I remember a couple from way back:
Come back when you can't stay so long
Answering phone: Hi Chet, haven't heard from you for awhile, what do you need?
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Postby underquark » Tue Oct 10, 2006 9:54 pm

Not forgetting one of the other Winston Churchill classics:

Churchill and the Astors (Lord and Lady) were staying with Churchill's cousin, the Duke of Marlborough, at Blenheim Palace. Nancy (Lady Astor) and Churchill argued ferociously throughout the weekend.

Lady Astor:"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."
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When insults had class

Postby Cec » Tue Oct 10, 2006 10:10 pm

Some more to add to your list Hud. Nothing personal against lawyers but these jokes are just some of many:

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
"Cut the rope"

How do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
"No? Good!"

What is the definition of a shame?
"A busload of lawyers going over a cliff".
What is the definition of a crying shame?
"An empty seat on the bus"

What is the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
"There are skid marks in front of the skunk"

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Postby Smythe Dakota » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:45 am

underquark wrote:Not forgetting one of the other Winston Churchill classics: ....

Here's another, in response to being scolded for ending a sentence with a preposition:

"This is the kind of nonsense up with which I shall not put."

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Re: When insults had class

Postby Smythe Dakota » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:48 am

Hud wrote:.... "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln ....

Hmm, do you happen to know whom Lincoln was talking about (oops, about whom Lincoln was talking)?

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Postby udosuk » Wed Oct 11, 2006 1:56 am

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

Yeah, would like to know about the subject of this too...:?:
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Postby MCC » Wed Oct 11, 2006 10:15 am

"I decided the worst thing you can call Paul Keating, quite frankly, is Paul Keating."
--John Hewson

"This little flower, this delicate little beauty, this cream puff, is supposed to be beyond personal criticism...He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up".
of John Hewson
--Paul Keating: attributed



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Postby udosuk » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:25 pm

Thanks MCC for the info...:)

I had another Mr. John H in the mind... Never mind...:D
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Postby MCC » Wed Oct 11, 2006 2:17 pm

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
...Groucho Marks.


wiki wrote:One quip from Groucho concerned his response to Sam Wood, the director of the classic film A Night at the Opera. Wood was furious with the Marx brothers ad-libs and antics on the set and yelled to all in disgust that he "cannot make actors out of clay." Without missing a beat, Groucho responded, "Nor can you make a director out of Wood." A widely reported, but likely apocryphal, ad-lib is reportedly a response to a female contestant who had almost a dozen children. Groucho asked why the contestant had so many children, to which the contestant replied "I love my husband." Groucho responded, "Lady, I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."



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Postby Hud » Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:14 pm

Groucho Marx had a TV Show here years back called "You Bet Your Life". He came up with many sharp retorts on it. I always suspected that some were staged, but I believe many of them were off-the-cuff.

.... "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln


Bill Smythe, I don't know who Lincoln was referring to. I suspect it was one of his election opponents.
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Postby MCC » Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:48 pm

Hud.

Reluctant Nomad:?:


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Postby Hud » Wed Oct 11, 2006 7:34 pm

MCC wrote:

Reluctant Nomad


I used all my anagramopeic powers and only came up with Lamont Decatur. I did find that Lincoln's first Illinois home was in Decatur.

If someone can decipher this, please don't hesitate.
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Postby emm » Thu Oct 12, 2006 8:20 am

Hud - I think Reluctant Nomad refers to your source. Unless it was a personal insult - you rotund camel ant! Oooh!

Insults through the ages -

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!
--- Henry IV ~ 1600

Who has no alternative, only to put up with the brutal and cowardly conduct of the parcel of big, ugly, fat necked, wombat headed, big bellied, magpie legged, narrow hipped, splay footed sons of Irish bailiffs, or English landlords which is better known as the Victoria Police?
---Ned Kelly 1880


Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.
--- D. H. Lawrence 1912


Hope no-one works for AT&T

Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department.
--- Douglas Adams 1979
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Postby MCC » Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:56 am

Hud wrote:...
.... "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln


Bill Smythe, I don't know who Lincoln was referring to. I suspect it was one of his election opponents.

In reference to the above, I have come across this -
http://www.defence.ie/website.nsf/Speech+ID/53F58C6A0899E25F80256C610037833D?openDocument wrote:ADDRESS BY THE MINISTER FOR DEFENCE,
MR. MICHAEL SMITH, T.D.
TO THE SEVENTH ANNUAL DELEGATE CONFERENCE OF THE RESERVE DEFENCE FORCE REPRESENTATIVE ASSOCIATION IN CATHAL BRUGHA BARRACKS
15 APRIL, 2000

Secretary-General, Deputy Chief of Staff, President and assembled delegates, I wish to thank you for inviting me to address your annual delegate conference this morning, one of the main events in your association's calendar. As Minister, I have a particular interest in the Reserve and I always value the opportunity the conference provides to meet and speak to you all. I will endeavour, as always, to keep my address as short and as interesting as possible - after all I don't want to be compared to the guy of whom Abraham Lincoln said "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know" !

But not to whom it is attributed.


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Postby robert@fm » Mon Oct 16, 2006 8:07 pm

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