The New Sudoku Players' Forum

[Hud]

Some of these have been around but may be worth a chuckle.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Karlson]

Thank you for this list - had to smile several times

[Cec]

Thanks Hud Being a golfing enthusiast you may enjoy these:

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

If golf was a prize fight they'd stop it.

The Bishop, elderly, yet still a formidable player, regularly trounced the Dean. "Never mind" the Bishop consoled him, "you have many years to improve and let's face it , at my age, you'll probably bury me one day".
"Yes, Bishop" said the Dean "but it'll still be your hole."

In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom beating the ground with clubs and uttering spinechilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of self-expression. When modern man goes through this ritual they call it golf.

How did golf get its name? - they'd used up all the other four-letter words.

Golfer to caddie "why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddie to golfer "it's not a watch it's a compass".

Golfer to caddie " Do you think I can reach the green with my 5-iron? Caddie to golfer " eventually".

Golfer to caddie "This golf course is pretty rough.
Caddie to golfer "We left the course half an hour ago".

Golfer to caddie after a poor shot into a deep bunker."What should I take"?
Caddie to golfer "sand-wedge and lots of food and water".

Golfer to caddie "You are without doubt the worst caddie in the world" .
Caddie to golfer. "Never - that would be too much of a concidence".

Golfer to caddie "What would you suggest about my golf"?
Caddie to golfer.. " Layoff for three weeks then quit for good"

Golf course etiquite: Don't pick up lost golf balls whilst they are still moving.

"You think so much of your golf that you don't remember when we were married" "Of course I do honey, it was the day after I sunk that forty foot put".

"How come you're playing with two caddies Bill"?... "The wife's told me to spend more time with the kids".

Golf! A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8,000miles in diameter. THe object is to hit the small ball not the large one.

When throwing a golf club in disgust make sure you throw it ahead of you down the fairway - this way you don't waste energy walking back to pick it up.

Local rule at Nyanza Golf Club: If a ball comes to rest in dangerous proximity to a hippopotamus or crocodile, another ball may be dropped no nearer the hole, without penalty.

Cec