A little math humor

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A little math humor

Postby Hud » Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:59 pm

Sorry if you've seen this one:

MATH TEACHER ARRESTED


AT New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
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Postby Ruud » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:10 pm

And now the local news:

A naked pair was arrested today for conjugating in a box.
This created a row and a column of law enforcement officers had to use forcing chains to remove several hidden singles.

Fortunately the police found a unique solution to this problem.
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Postby lunababy_moonchild » Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:19 pm

Thank you VERY much for this, I needed the laugh.

Luna
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A little math humor

Postby Cec » Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:11 am

lunababy_moonchild wrote:Thank you VERY much for this, I needed the laugh.
Luna

I enjoyed this one which I hope the censorship board will pass.

Little Johnny, the school rebel, was brought to the Principal's office by his teacher who opposed Johnny going up to grade 3 next year. The Principal was impressed with Johnny's general presentation and put some math's questions to him:

Principal: What's 9 squared?
Johnny: 81
Principal: Cube root of 64?
Johnny: 4
Principal: How many degrees in the corners of an equilateral triangle?
Johnny: 60 degrees.

The teacher interupted saying she would question Johnny to show his mind was too sexually focused for his age.

Teacher: What do men do standing up that women do sitting down?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What does a cow have four of that women only have two of?
Johnny: Legs.
Teacher: What do men have in their pants that women don't have?
Johnny: Pockets.

The teacher was about to ask Johnny another question when the Principal interupted.saying "I've heard enough - Johnny won't be going up to Grade 3 next year , he'll be going up to Grade 4 - I just flunked the last three questions myself ".

Cec
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"math problem"

Postby Pat » Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:57 am

i found this joke a long time ago at Rodney And Cathy's Joke List;
it seems to have vanished from that site,
but has been re-posted many places throughout the www -

Rodney And Cathy's Joke List wrote:A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."


~ Pat
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Re: "math problem"

Postby Cec » Wed Apr 05, 2006 2:27 pm

Good one Pat. For those who are intrigued with maths here's one which shows Sudoku can improve your psychic powers:

Think of a number (say less than 100) but don't tell me yet.
double it
add 5
multiply your answer by 50
add on 1756
subtract the year you were born
I need a minute to concentrate on your answer which will disclose how old you are this year - Ssh! I won't disclose your age is the last two numbers of your answer. Oops, almost forgot, the first two numbers was the number you thought of:)

Cec
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Postby re'born » Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:51 pm

Cec,

Your psychic powers would be put to the test if the person using my 10 year old cousin's email address is actually my 110 year old great grandmother.
Last edited by re'born on Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Ruud » Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:29 pm

"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."
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A little math humor

Postby Cec » Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:33 pm

Well done rep'nA" - you have won the secret observation test. My psychic powers automatically protect persons reaching 100 years of age or older. Now, are you game enough to tell me your answer to my above questions.?:)

Cec
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A little math humor

Postby Cec » Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:44 am

Ruud wrote:"..
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

My psychic powers aren't working - I don't get this? Help appreciated.
Cec
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Math riddles

Postby Smythe Dakota » Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:34 am

What's purple and commutative?

What's green and very very far away?

What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

Bill Smythe
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Re: Math riddles

Postby re'born » Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:09 am

Smythe Dakota wrote:What's purple and commutative?


An abelian grape.

Smythe Dakota wrote:What's green and very very far away?


Given the answer to the next one, I'm going to say the "the lime at infinity".

Smythe Dakota wrote:What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?


Zorn's Lemon.

Maybe one should add:

What's yellow, linear, normed, and complete?

and for fun:

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
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Re: A little math humor

Postby MCC » Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:22 pm

Cec wrote:
Ruud wrote:"..
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

My psychic powers aren't working - I don't get this? Help appreciated.
Cec


Cec, cec, cec, lets hope your better half gets chocolates and flowers if she asks this question:D

How did this person demonstrate his love? By using ...:idea:


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Postby emm » Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:45 pm

Cec wrote:are you game enough to tell me your answer

Yes, Cec. My answer is 23. I factored in a small percentage for error.

Calvin Trillin wrote:Maths was always my worst subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.
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Re: Math riddles

Postby Smythe Dakota » Fri Apr 07, 2006 5:29 am

rep'nA wrote:.... Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

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