The New Sudoku Players' Forum

[Hud]

I came across this today and got a guffaw out of it. Please feel free to remove it from the site. I modified several words in it which I'll italicize.

A Message from John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of
America.

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Arizona, which she
does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to
a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what
we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-
Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

My note: My nephew was at West Point in the late 70's and tried out for soccer. He couldn't make that team so he played Rugby instead. His parents were attending a game he played in and noticed him lying unconscious on the field while the play continued around him. Imagine that in pro football? He's currently in Iraq and we wish him and his men well.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

[lunababy_moonchild]

Oh, please don't remove this, it's really funny.

Thanks for posting it Hud, I needed the laugh

Luna

[Nick70]

Please read this though.

[r.e.s.]

Also these pearls ...

BILL CLINTON'S LETTER TO LIZ WINDSOR

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

DECLARATION OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF AUSTRALIA ON TAKING CHARGE OF THE AFFAIRS OF THE ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLES

(2000) NEW ZEALAND VERSION OF THE NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

REAL ESTATE SALE - UNITED STATES

(2004) THE BRITISH REJECTION OF THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

at http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/independence.htm

[emm]

The Australian reply and George Bush’s acceptance speech are classics!

There’s a little bit about numbers in there somewhere – let’s keep it!

[Hud]

I had a bit of "poster's remorse" the next morning after posting this and only just now had the nerve to check it out. I'm glad it was received in the manner intended. I'll try not to abuse the OT thing though.